I have a problem. Actually, were it a more serious subject, I’d actually classify it as a ‘crisis.’ My criteria (for dating) is not being followed… and it’s SUCKING UP MY TIME. Since I don’t have a ton of it; I see this as a big problem. I used to feel really guilty for having criteria & a little shallow. But then? I sat down and really thought about it. We have criteria for the people we want to hire, for the safety & health when determining who can participate in races or on amusement rides. We set criteria for learning & practically everything, really… why not dating? Once I looked at things that way; it made life easier. But then? I was in a relationship for nearly a year (1) so the criteria wasn’t an issue. But now that I’ve been single for longer than I was in the last relationship? I’m noticing this disturbing dating trend: People don’t care what you want… from BEFORE the word go.
I signed up for Match.com like most single, professional people I know in Dallas/Fort-Worth. There’s quite the laundry list of criteria that you select for what you want in a dating partner. And, to try to be as time-efficient as possible? I filled out EVERY question & really thought about what would be most compatible with me. Went a step further and wrote a VERY detailed profile that, if a guy bothered to read it? Would give him a very good idea of what I’m looking for- not bad for a three-minute time investment, no?
So, you would think this would leave little room for error, right? Wrong. Match.com “Filters” your mail – something I’ve longed for in the recruiting world – so that I don’t see those that don’t ‘fit.’ Because if I see them, I believe I have an obligation/responsibility to deal with them. That’s the camp I play in. Anyway, my “filtered mail” inbox is far too big for my liking; and growing. I want to respond to all of them; but I’m not going to lie, it’s partly to say something like this:
I know, I know… it’s kind of rude. But, really???? If you show zero respect for someone’s stated interests and desires… haven’t you kind of asked for it? I wouldn’t follow through with it; it’s far too mean and I just can’t bring myself to be that girl. But boy howdy, it’s tempting sometimes.
There’s a criteria option that’s clearly missing, though. What’s REALLY needed on the dating profile is an ‘easy badge’ akin to the easy button. You know, so if it’s NOT there? Then guys know you’re not easy and quit it already with the smut talk. This, gentlemen, is extremely unattractive when you’ve not even met face-to-face. For me? It’s incredibly ridiculous to even attempt if we’re not dating – exclusively – which means it’s a pretty safe bet we’ve had more than a handful of dates together. There’s no easy button on my profile.
Which is probably why it was so incredibly distasteful when recently a guy from my past who’s never been held in any sort of dating-esque regard started sending me smut facebook messages. I guess his ‘pokes’ had a different connotation. He did this awhile back, too; while I was dating Chris – I guess he thought since he was better looking that it didn’t matter that I had a boyfriend. Look, he’s good-looking; there’s no doubt. But the lack of basal respect & understanding of the proper usage of social media in my world (2) is just a total turn-off. Every time I saw something from him, I couldn’t help but think, “Are you so hard-up for attention that this does something for you?” Because it does nothing for me.
Seriously, people!! I did not spend hours/days/weeks/months figuring out what works for me in a relationship to throw it all out for an email from someone who clearly didn’t respect that enough to self-select themselves out of the process so I don’t have to. Does that make me a dating snob?? I’m not sure. Someone told me recently that I’m hot enough & smart enough to warrant being a pain in the arse. While I recognized this as a someeecard; I still laughed at the compliment. Yes, you heard me right – compliment. While it’s slightly sad that this is what the world has come to; I do see it as an achievement that I’ve structured my world/myself as such that it’s evident I don’t need to ‘play desperate.’
Dating can be difficult on a good day; relationships are work – you’re melding two separate lives together based on some common interests and threads of attraction. At various points, you choose to make different levels of commitment to each other that require further comprise, work & trust for a smooth integration. This is probably true of any kind of merger; that’s just the most personal. It’s not a surprise really, when you think about it; that so many don’t work. Which is why – I think – criteria up front is a good thing. If you don’t know what you want; how can you ever make it work?? Seems like you’d be flip-flopping like crazy; trying to figure it out as you go.
Either way, I know (3) what I want – and all I need to end my criteria crisis? Is for it to be respected.
(1) that’s a while for me; I’ve been divorced for nearly a decade and self-selected single status for most of it.
(2) which should be evident by the fact that in 2 years, I’ve not reciprocated his tawdry advances & even ‘unfriended’ him once already a year ago! I guess I was wrong in thinking he’d learned his lesson the second time around. De-Friend. Again.
(3) and have shared